Blackmoon Beginnings by Kaitlyn Hoyt

17379473

Large gorgeous men, a hidden race, and a magical secret.

Ryanne Arden was on track to being Stormfield High School’s Valedictorian. Being the shy, quiet studious type, she’s always done her own thing. That all changed when a drunk man decided to get behind the wheel of a car. With the death of her mother, Ryanne is suddenly more alone than she’s ever been. With no friends or family to turn to, a local woman named Jane offers to help Ryanne in her time of need.

With graduation looming ahead of her, eighteen year old Ryanne must get her act together if she wants to get out of the small town of Stormfield, Maine and away from her painful memories.

Meeting the attractive Colton Wagner, changes everything. He awakes something in Ryanne that even she didn’t know she had. Magic. With her life suddenly thrown upside down, Ryanne has been thrust into a world completely unbeknown to her.

Being the only non-mage to ever gain magic, paints a target on Ryanne’s back. She’s the girl the whole mage world has been searching for. It has been prophesized for thousands of years that a young non-mage female would put an end to the chaos created by rogue mages, the Gadramicks. Their manipulative leader, Dravin, will do anything within his power to prevent the prophecy from being fulfilled.

Finding out that she’s an intricate part to ending a supernatural war, Ryanne has the weight of all mages on her shoulders. With the help of Colton and his family, along with a healer, a dream-walker, and a loud-mouthed mage, Ryanne sets out on the journey of a lifetime. Can she overcome her insecurities and do what is needed of her or will she lose her identity behind the magic inside of her?

BlackMoon Beginnings is part one in the four-part Prophesized Series

So a few things kind of bothered me before I started this book.

1. The fact that the synopsis is three hundred words.

2. The cover looks pretty lame, sorry not sorry. Like that flame thing on her neck is just terrible editing. I don’t even know what it’s supposed to be.

3. The title of the book. And yeah I know it’s bad to judge a book by it’s title, but I mean, Blackmoon Beginnings, really? And blackmoon isn’t even one word and aslkgasjl;fsdk

4. It says something about the girl’s insecurities, and I really hate those books. The one where the girl is “ugly” amidst gorgeous people and is super insecure and hates the way she looks. I cannot STAND reading about the inspiring search the girl goes through to finally think she’s pretty.

I wasn’t exactly sold on the novel, and I wouldn’t have gotten it on my Nook, except it was free. That should’ve been another warning sign. But alas, I decided to give it a try. All the reviews I read were saying they don’t usually read self-published books (ANOTHER WARNING), but this one was refreshing and good and blah blah blah. So I thought why not give it a shot, right? I started the first page.

“School. That place where we are forced to go five out of seven days a week.”

That writing is disgusting.

Continuing on (I’m skipping around by the way):

“School is my purgatory right now and all I want is to be set free.”

Well I mean the point of purgatory is to be cleansed and ready for Heaven, so I don’t think that’s really the right word there Kaitlyn, but you do your thing.

“It is the Friday before the last week of school and while most teachers slowly start tapering off their agendas…”

Too many unnecessary words.  AND THAT TENSE CHANGE IS JUST AWKWARD.

One other issue Kaitlyn has is including unnecessary random facts. Do you think J.R.R. Tolkien would’ve gotten anywhere if he stopped to describe each dwarf’s shoe of the day, or what exact shade of grey Gandolf’s robes were? No, and that’s exactly where Kaitlyn’s going: nowhere. She adds random facts thinking it adds depth to the story when we actually couldn’t care less that Ryanne’s converse are green and Jane doesn’t like shoes in the house.

OKAY AND SHE DOES THAT ANNOYING THING WERE:

I am mad.

That is not true.

She is all I have.

He is gorgeous.

I know that’s not a big deal bUT If you want to talk like a teenager you have to use conjunctions. We don’t talk with British accents (that’s the only way you can pull them off), and we aren’t from the time where everyone talked like that.

The writing in this book is so terrible, it just hurt.

“I couldn’t find an icepack, but here’s the Advil. Is she hurt?” inquires a deep voice that I’m assuming belongs to Colton.

Without moving from my current position I answer, “I’m fine.” I don’t feel fine, but I don’t want any more attention than is necessary.

“Well you don’t look fine,” he retorts.

“Colton, leave the girl alone.”

Whoa there! Colton is off his rocker!!1!!  Colton’s had enough, he’s on a rampage!!!1! Colton you leave that girl alone you menace!! What a terrible thing to say!!!1!!

So why does this bother me? Kaitlyn’s use of the word “retort.” Does she actually think that’s a retort? Wow Colton so feisty! And the girl doesn’t want more attention than was necessary? YOU WERE JUST ALMOST HIT BY A CAR SHUT UP WHAT DO YOU EXPECT AND WHY ARE YOU EVEN THINKING ABOUT THAT YOU WERE ALMOST JUST H I T B Y A C A R.

And these dialogues! THEY’RE GIVING ME CANCER BECAUSE I JUST CANNOT HANDLE.

“It takes everything in me not to let out a girly sigh at the attractiveness of this man. Talk about awkward…”

STOP.

“How do you know my name?” I ask slowly trying to keep my obvious embarrassment out of my voice.

“We go to the same school.” His straightforward answer baffles me.

WhaT. WhY. THat’s NOT EVEN. I JUST. His straightforward answer baffles me. HE JUST SAID HE GOES TO YOUR SCHOOL WHY IS THAT CONFUSING AND WHY IS IT SO WEIRD THAT HE’D BE THAT “sTRAIGHTFORWARD” I DON’T UNDERSTAND.

So then Ryanne almost gets hit by a car but the wind pushes her out of the way or something and she just goes and tells that to people. WHY. Why would you openly tell anyone the wind pushed you to safety? Do you WANT to be locked up in an asylum?

So then there’s this hot guy and she’s watching him even though she’s obviously there and obviously staring and he obviously knows. But she’s watching him, so “I must have made a noise, for he turns around and catches me staring.” That girl must have some pent up hormones because if she can’t look at a guy for two seconds without moaning there’s definitely something going on down there. (ew)

So because she’s insecure and annoying as hell, the checkout process with this hot guy leaves her blushing like crazy. SHE’S JUST BUYING A BOOK AJLFSDKHSJKDFAJ IT’S NOT THAT BLUSH-WORTHY.

“I am suddenly overcome by a feeling of sadness.”

Now I’m the one groaning, and it sure isn’t from pent up hormones.

So I got to page twenty-three, and it was so unbearable that I had to skip forward to see if it got better. If anything, it got worse.

“I hear the sound of chairs scraping in the kitchen, so I have a feeling that the guys are trying to listen in.”

STOP. She’s implying that guys are trying to listen on this girl chat she’s having with her friend when in reality guys do not care at all.

“I turn around and look at him, but he is looking elsewhere.”

WHY. WHY. JUST STOP WRITING.

“Nothing is wrong specifically.”

stop

“Because of how I’m sitting, I can see him clearly.”

nO

Okay and Ryanne really has issues, because she’s all heartsick over this one guy but she’s ALWAYS sitting in this other dude’s lap and they’re always touching. She doesn’t even like him sO why does she always need to sit on his lap? And half of this book is just teenage drama. I want to slap everyone in the face and tell them to stop being so damn annoying.

AHAHAHA I’M DYING AT THIS PART LISTEN OKAy so on Ryanne’s mirror this girl wrote in red lipstick about this guy she lusts over: GET OUT OF MY WAY. HE’S MINE.

IS THIS DISNEY CHANNEL? Even Disney Channel wouldn’t stoop that low, OH GOD IT HURTS. IT HURTS ME SO BADLY. WHY?? And the room was trashed and a picture was broken and REALLY? PLEASE STOP.

“Did you get my message?” SAYS THE GIRL IN CHARGE OF THIS HORRIFYING ACT.

“Are you freaking kidding me?” I CAN FEEL YOUR ANGER RYANNE I CAN REALLY FEEL IT. OVERWHELMING.

“And now you’ll listen to my warning.” Whoo!! Whoa there!! That’s some intense threat!!!1!!

“There is no oxygen going into my lungs so I slump to the ground” Wow! Astute connection there!

“Nope, I’d rather see how long it takes for all the blood to rush to my head and I pass out.” That’s Ryanne saying she’d rather do that than watch a movie, but the thing is, she actually isn’t kidding. And they just laugh, but they know she isn’t kidding. SHE’S NOT KIDDING. I don’t get this author or this character or any of these characters. Or this book, or why this author thought self-publishing was a good idea. She REALLY needs an editor to look at it.

So then Ryanne uses some magic to overturn some chair this guy was gonna sit in and they’re all like “oh you’re so devious Ryanne!!!1!! Such badassery!!!”  Stop.

And then they’re watching a movie and Ryanne looks up and realizes everyone’s watching her and this guy (WHOSE LAP SHE IS CURRENTLY SITTING UPON) and she asks if she disturbed the movie and they respond saying it’s been over for a few minutes. SO basically they’ve all been staring at her and this kid talking and if that’s not weird or uncomfortable I don’t know what is.

I’m starting to get a headache from wearing my hair so tight in the ponytail. Pulling my hair out of it, I shake my head and run my fingers through my almost waist-length hair, trying to tame it. Handing the ponytail to Emma, I realize that I’m being watched.

“What?”

“It’s like a freaking shampoo commercial. How the heck do you do it?” Emma asks.

“Do what?”

“I’m a completely straight girl and I’m attracted to you right now. I don’t want to know what these guys are thinking.”

“Well I could tell you what they’re thinking.” I myself want to know. I don’t understand what she’s getting at.

“Please don’t,” says Colton, shaking his head.

“I second that,” agrees Liam. Logan just nods.

“Okay…I don’t really know what just happened there, but I’m going to go change.”

She’s so, so stupid! She doesn’t understand what she’s getting at. She’s such an idiot, and again, GUYS DO NOT REACT THAT WAY. They wouldn’t say “please don’t” and be so annoying and I just cannot do this anymore. I JUST CAN’T. HAS SHE NEVER HANDLED HUMANS BEFORE?

And I guess I totally missed the part where we learn she can read minds ooPS

So overall, this writing was horrid, and I kept sending pages of it to my friends so they could feel my pain. You couldn’t pay me to continue on in this series. This story had some potential, maybe. I mean, to be completely honest I had no idea what was going on but that’s probably because I skipped around a lot. So I can’t even tell you if the story has potential. But if it did, do you know who would’ve found it? AN EDITOR. A PUBLISHING COMPANY. No wonder you self-published this book, because NO ONE WANTED IT. Is that not a sign? I mean I shouldn’t say that because Harry Potter was rejected like nine times or something and Harry Potter is just,

it just is. It’s so good you use it for an adjective to describe other books. For example: This book was like Harry Potter level (there are few of those)

Back to this terrible book, sorry Kaitlyn, but she should not have self-published. She should’ve had people give her ideas and advice and anything, but not just published it without getting good advice. She wrote like an adult trying to write like a teenager, and the dialogue gave me a colon infection. The plot was-just kidding I can’t review the plot I don’t even know what it was. But point is, if you appreciate writing that flows and is realistic, do not pick up this book. Maybe Kaitlyn got better later in the series, but I just can’t read to see if that’s true.

So out of five faces,

Blackmoon Beginnings (BLACK MOON IS TWO WORDS, TWO) gets…

*drumroll*

ONE! (and that’s only because the plot might have been good)

Shatter Me by Tahereh Mafi

Shatter Me (Shatter Me, #1)

No one knows why Juliette’s touch is fatal, but The Reestablishment has plans for her. Plans to use her as a weapon. But Juliette has plans of her own. After a lifetime without freedom, she’s finally discovering a strength to fight back for the very first time—and to find a future with the one boy she thought she’d lost forever.

Okay well, I just have to discuss the way this book was written. I would read something and have to read it again because, what? Let me give you a few examples:

“I’m suspended in the moment. I blink and bottle my breaths.”

 

Um? Is that a thing?

“my eyes shatter into thousands of pieces that ricochet around the room, capturing a million snapshots, a million moments in time.”

Oh.

“These words are vomit.

This shaky pen is my esophagus.

This sheet of paper is my porcelain bowl.”

“Warner thinks Adam is a cardboard cutout of vanilla regurgitations”

AHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA VANILLA REGURGITATIONS HAHAHAHAHAHAH

okay whoo I’m good I’m good.

“My legs have won the right to tremble”

Congratulations?

1 word, 2 lips, 3 4 5 fingers form 1 fist.

1 corner, 2 parents, 3 4 5 reasons to hide.

1 child, 2 eyes, 3 4 17 years of fear.

A broken broomstick, a pair of wild faces, angry whispers, locks on my door.

Look at me, is what I wanted to say to you. Talk to me every once in a while. Find me a cure for these tears, I’d really like to exhale for the first time in my life.

It’s been 2 weeks.”

I, what?

I just, why? Why?

“My eyes are 2 professional pickpockets, stealing everything to store away in my mind”

So you get the point. I found myself skipping unnecessary paragraphs of fluff like those many times. I just, this writing, it was just…man I don’t know. I could look past it, but man it’s just weird. Did the author do this on purpose? Does she actually talk or think like this? That would be extremely uncomfortable. Then again, Juliette sounded normal when she talked. It was just the crazy stuff going on in her brain. And because she can’t be touched, blah blah, her touch is fatal blah blah, when she brushes arms with anyone she has this insane response. Let me give it a shot, SO HERE IS ME WRITING LIKE TAHEREH (HOW DO YOU SAY HER NAME??):

Adam brushes his arm with mine.

I freeze.

I am nothing, merely drifting through stolen touches and exploding nerve endings and I want him to touch me stop no please keep touching me. I am drowning in a sea of touch and feel and I can feel everything every nerve and cell and hair on my body.

ETC.

That is Tahereh’s writing style, and everything going on in Juliette’s head when they-

GASP-

BRUSH ARMS.

Yeah and she does cross out phrases like I wrote up there.

 

So if she about faints when they brush arms, you can imagine when they’re kissing. Well, Juliette’s actually like that with everything.

She has to shower?

I feel the water coursing down my body in bountiful heaps of tears from the spout  and my pain washes down the drain as I am struggling to stay upright from the exhilarating touch of the barest of the elements.

(Mother of run-on sentences; grammar teachers I must warn you before you read this book.)

Normal people: Ah, I love showering this feels good.

Juliette has to go to bed?

As I slip into my warm sheets of heaven and the angels whisper to me goodnight and I let the songs and memories of Adam’s arms around me comfort me I let my tiredness take over and hold me captive. A willing captive ready to let go into oblivion.

Normal people: I’m tired goodnight.

(Oh, guys these aren’t quotes from the book I’m writing them myself for examples so yeah)

So you get the point. Juliette is REALLY weird. I mean, I guess you could blame it up on being in the asylum for four years. Not really paradise or anything. And everyone being scared of her and her parents giving her up without a thought. Yeah maybe she has a few excuses. But still, no one asked the author to write so…weirdly. I’m using that word too much but what else do I say?

We can talk about Adam now. He’s pretty normal, THANK GOD. I mean if everyone was like Juliette I’d cry. I could not read a book where every line, every dialogue was disturbing slash confusing slash just WEIRD. I do ship Adam and Juliette for sure. Well….

Until the second book.

ALSDKFJAFHGSDF;JK

WHY??? MOTHER OF LOVE TRIANGLES JUST STOP. NO TAHEREH I THOUGHT YOU WERE SAFE I THOUGHT MY HEART WOULD BE SAFE BUT I AM TORN

T O R N

This love triangle is basically Juliette and either Adam or Warner. I know if you read the book after the review you’ll be surprised, but I mean it’s pretty predictable. If I told you there was a love triangle, most would guess Warner is the other guy. Anyways he does have feelings for her in the first book so it’s not really a spoiler. But I’m sorry guys, I ship Juliette and Warner.

GOD I NEVER THOUGHT I’D SAY THAT.

TOO MUCH. TOO MANY EMOTIONS. IT HURTS.

I mean I THINK she’ll end up with Adam just because he was her first love or whatever. (The third book isn’t out yet so I have no idea). BUT I WANT HER TO END UP WITH WARNER. BUT THEN AGAIN.

NOPE.

I ACTUALLY WANT ONE OF THE GUYS TO DIE THEN IT’LL BE AN EASIER DECISION. Adam dying would SUCK, but Warner dying would TEAR ME APART. I CAn’T. I haven’t read a book in so long where I had to pick a side of the love triangle. It’s been so long. This hurts. Can I just not pick a side. Man, I don’t know what to do. Tahereh will think of something, I’ll leave it up to her.

TOO TRUE THIS GIF TOO TRUE.

So what do I actually think of this book? Yes, it had VERY weird writing but man I am HOOKED on this series. The first two were SO GOOD. I mean it kind of had an unexpected twist and change in the way of plot but it was perfect in the first book. It’s what I wanted. I actually love this series. IT MAKES ME FEEL SO MUCH. I had to take a break during the second book and read two books in between. Whoo, too much, TOO MUCH.

So I think I’ve said all I set out to say.

Out of five stars, Shatter Me gets…

*drumroll*

FIVE!

The Vincent Boys by Abbi Glines

The Vincent Boys (The Vincent Boys, #1)

Ashton is getting tired of being good, of impressing her parents and playing ideal girlfriend to Sawyer Vincent. Sawyer is perfect, a regular Prince Charming, but when he leaves town for the summer, it’s his cousin Beau who catches Ashton’s eye. Beau is the sexiest guy she’s ever seen, and even though he’s dangerous, Ashton is drawn to him.

Beau loves his cousin like a brother, so the last thing he wants to do is make a move on Sawyer’s girl. Ashton is off-limits, absolutely. That’s why he does his best to keep his distance, even though he’s been in love with her forever. When Ashton wants to rekindle their childhood friendship in Sawyer’s absence, Beau knows he should say no.

Ashton and Beau don’t want to hurt Sawyer. But the more they try to stay away from each other, the more intense their urges become. It’s getting way too hard to resist….

Alright, allow me to rephrase this synopsis so it’s more correct:

Ashton: Whoa, Beau is so hot.

Beau: Whoa, Ashton’s such a babe.

Ashton: I have 0.02% of a personality

Beau: I’m totally an original character there have been about 10,000,000 like me

Ashton: Lol Sawyer’s out of town. Lol I’m a virgin.

Beau: Oh Lawd how am I gonna control these urges

Ashton: omg my grandma just died. Is this tissue enough for two tears.

Beau: wow her grandma died

Ashton: Lol I’ll just lose my virginity to my boyfriend’s cousin lol peasants bye.

lol my grandma just died

Beau: This gorgeous girl wants to have sex? Cool. Lol her grandma just died.

Ashton: Wow I totally don’t even feel bad about my grandma anymore that was the worst 0.2 seconds of my life thanks for helping me with my terrible grief

Beau: no problem hot stuff

Ashton: oh Beau stop it you

Beau: Wanna have sex again

Ashton: ok

I kid you not, that was the book. It started out pretty swoon-worthy, I have to admit. But not because of Ashton…no she wins the

WorST MaiN CharACTEr EVeR AwaRD!1!111!!!!!!!!!!1111!111!!!!1!!

It was swoon-worthy because of Beau. I mean as unoriginal as a character he is, no girl can lie, he’s still pretty amazing. Except he needs to learn how to control his hormones. They both do. Every page was them discovering the world of “keeping it in your pants.” Or even, “keeping your pants on.” I mean, my pet rock has more self-control. Well it can’t move, but okay bad example. A senior citizen with bladder control problems has better control of their bladder than these two have control of their hormones. Ew. Okay weird example. But you get my point. 

This book makes me mad. SO mad. Because not only do they have sex in the back of a pickup truck while Ashton’s boyfriend is out of town, BUT IT’S CHAPTER NINE. SERIOUSLY? It’s not like cheating on your  boyfriend is ever okay, but maybe if it were in the heat of the moment or something huge had happened it would be easier for me to forgive the main character. But this is honestly what went through her head:

Ashton: lol my grandma died omg i’m crying wow that was exhausting two tears leaked out never sobbed that hard in my life omg. lol i’m feeling horny and Beau is hot lol bye guys i need a distraction otherwise i’ll cry like a half-tear more. omg this grief is terrible omg.

So then she goes to wear Beau is working, and he’s of course shirtless. And she engages in a steamy makeout session that had me double checking that this was actually teen fiction and not adult fiction. It got pretty intense and I was like okay guys you can stop now. Do you think you could maybe separate for like 0.2 seconds thanks. Then they reunite that night and like drive out to some beach that Sawyer never goes to for some reason and they just have sex. She does not take a minute and think “Whoa, I still have a boyfriend. MAYBE I SHOULDN’T CHEAT ON HIM!11!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!11″ But alas, my pet rock is smarter than this slut (oops). So anyways she just cheats on Sawyer no regrets. And when Sawyer finally comes back, you know why she feels bad? Not that she cheated on him, or that she shattered his heart or even that she might have robbed him of his ability to love and trust, no of course not! She feels bad because she might be ruining his friendship with Beau. 

THAT GIF IS ACTUALLY SO TERRIFYING OMG I’M CRYING COULD IT NOT HELPPP OH MY GOD THE CAPTION ON THIS IS YOU CAN’T SPELL SLAUGHTER WITHOUT LAUGHTER HELP I WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO SLEEP AGAIN

So anyways, that gif was actually me though when I had to read about Ashton’s stupidity. So Sawyer comes back and obviously they break up and it’s the most predictable story ever and it sucked.

And the author of course tried to add an element of meaningfulness to the story, which is her grandma’s death. Maybe if Ashton spent more than two minutes being sad about her grandma then it’d mean something. But no, she used it as an excuse to lose her virginity to her boyfriend’s brother. Oops lookie here I just spoiled something! Yep, you heard me! Beau is actually Sawyer’s BROTHER. Yes, that’s right! All the characters are absolutely positively screwed up! Yay! Man I have no regrets about spoiling this for you because it SUCKED. In an attempt to keep this book from being 100% the author’s sexual fantasies, she tried to add other elements that failed. If I were to grade this book 1-100 I’d give it about a -100000000000000000000000000000000000

But hey, there were a few good things about this book. 

Um, 

Well,

you see,

Yeah I got nothing. I tried hard and found nothing. Awkward. 

Well Abbi Glines, I’d say until we meet again but I PROMISE I will not be reading another one of your books. Have a nice life, and next time, try to keep a diary because the rest of the world does not want to hear about your sexual fantasies. Thanks.

So out of five faces, this book gets….

*drumroll*

ZERO!

oh.

Looking For Alaska by John Green

99561

Before. Miles “Pudge” Halter’s whole existence has been one big nonevent, and his obsession with famous last words has only made him crave the “Great Perhaps” (François Rabelais, poet) even more. Then he heads off to the sometimes crazy, possibly unstable, and anything-but-boring world of Culver Creek Boarding School, and his life becomes the opposite of safe. Because down the hall is Alaska Young. The gorgeous, clever, funny, sexy, self-destructive, screwed-up, and utterly fascinating Alaska Young, who is an event unto herself. She pulls Pudge into her world, launches him into the Great Perhaps, and steals his heart.

After. Nothing is ever the same

Wow thanks Goodreads I appreciate the picture being like a centimeter in length and width. I can barely read anything. I guess I could look up a bigger picture of the cover online but now, that is something I like to call effort.

Sorry I didn’t review this earlier. In fact, I read this the second week of August. But I’ve been meaning to review it. Now I’m reviewing it because I decided that doing homework tonight would be of no use because I’m tired. Of course I hate homework and am also lazy so those two together I’ll just not do my homework oops I want to be awake fully so I can put my full effort into homework.

So on to my review. Let’s start with praise.

PRAISE

Oh John Green, your intelligences amazes me. Your huge vocab words will help with the SAT so I thank you for that. oh and thanks for making me feel dumb compared to your genius it’s great for the whole secure with yourself thing. *sigh* Your writing is amazing and it just amazes me and I use that word so much,  too much in fact. My point is your writing is just dandy and your intelligence astounding.

So then we get to the story. It was real, that much I knew for certain. Something like this could happen, meaning people like this could exist and make this happen. Personally, I never understood why Pudge fell in love with Alaska. I mean yeah he thinks she’s hot, but is that it? She said weird stuff and I personally probably wouldn’t be her friend. I can’t really think of anything about her that would woo Pudge except for her looks. But that’s a different story. So the characters could exist, and the emotions were real.

The story was in depth although a few parts of it (I can’t mention cause it’d spoil the whole “AFTER” thing) were just a little unbelievable to me. Now, If you’re a die hard fan of the book and you want to beat me up because I didn’t find a part believable then I guess those are just some feelings you will have to deal with on your own or with a counselor. First step to healing is acknowledging you have a problem! (Fun Fact)

Let’s talk about Pudge.

Pudge

He’s skinny, that much John Green made sure you remember. In fact all I could think anytime there was a romance/sexual scene with him I was like “HE’S SKINNY” “THIS IS GROSS HE’S TOO SKINNY” But I tend to do that; think about it too much. He’s also like a teenage girl, SO insecure. Now if guys are really this insecure in real life I had no idea. But Pudge has more insecurities than me. BUT OH MY GOD AT THE BEGINNING OF THE BOOK HE HAD A GOING AWAY PARTY AND TWO PEOPLE CAME IT WAS SO SAD I FELT SO BAD JLAD;KSGKHOE;SIJFKLD

POOR PUDGE, POOR PUDGE.

Wait I don’t even remember why he’s called Pudge. His name is Miles. Okay well I don’t really care enough to look it up.

So Pudge is skinny, insecure, and also awkward. He’s just awkward. So he’s not the most charming main character, but die-hard fans would be yelling at me right now: THAT’S NOT THE POINT PUDGE ISN’T SUPPOSED TO BE YOU’RE SO SHALLOW BLAH BLAH FANGIRL RAGE BLAH BLAH.

My response: Okay cool.

I just don’t really care, OOPS.

Alaska

As I mentioned earlier, I don’t get it. Why is Pudge in love with her? She’s like this depressed person who smokes too much and drinks too much. Sure, she’s hot apparently, but that’s lust. I feel like Pudge was more in love with her exciting-ness (not a word), and the adventures that came with being her friend. She wasn’t that great of a person to me but I mean I guess she was…okay…

Criticisms

Again, like I said up above, not all of it was believable.

IF AND ONLY IF YOU HAVE READ THIS BOOK OR KNOW WHAT THE AFTER IS ABOUT AND DON’T REALLY WANT TO READ THE BOOK THEN YOU CAN READ THIS NEXT SECTION

SPOILERS

SPOILER ALERT

I wasn’t too impressed with the whole reason why Alaska left in the car drunk. She remembered it was her mom’s death day, (or was it birthday) because of some flowers she drew and so she got flowers and was going to put them on her mom’s grave. Maybe I just don’t understand cause I’ve never been drunk. Maybe it makes you really emotional or something. I know it makes people do stupid things so maybe it was just that. Then I don’t understand why Alaska made out with Pudge. It was random and weird. And then why was she even that drunk? Why would she drink that much? When they were testing how drunk she was, they weren’t even half-way and the Colonel (I FEEL LIKE I FORGOT HIS NAME IDK) was extremely drunk. So what would cause her to drink that much? Just a few things that I couldn’t relate to/didn’t really believe.

SPOILERS ABOVE

So another criticism. There were these really awkward sexual scenes. Pudge with, what’s her name…the European chick. I don’t remember her name. She has an accent I don’t even remember. There was a (COVER YOUR EARS CHILDREN) blow job scene. And boy was it so very awkward. I mean, was it even necessary?

It was awkward and gross and ew. BUT WAIT, THEY ACTUALLY WENT TO ALASKA TO ASK HOW TO DO IT RIGHT.

NOT ONLY IS THAT AWKWARD BUT

I just did not appreciate that scene. Nope.

Okay so let’s see…I feel like this book would really speak to depressed people who do drugs

OH WAIT, REMEMBER CHILDREN

HUGS NOT DRUGS!

image

Just thought I had to mention that. SO yeah, the book seemed more for the audience of those people who are depressed and drink and party and have issues with life. I am actually not one of those people, so the whole time I just couldn’t get into it. I’d say I’m a happy person. I’m secure with myself, and I’ve never done anything I’m ashamed of morally. I mean I’m not a total goody-two-shoes, I HAVE WINE AT CHURCH. Oooohhhhh

I KNOW I KNOW I AM ONE BIG REBEL.

#rebelstatus

You know, I actually really wanted to cry when I read this. Cause everyone I talked to told me they were like sobbing. And I mean, my tear ducts were ready. I like a good cry with books. But nope. Of course it was sad, but then again, I was talking to my friend, and this was how it went:

Me: I wonder if _________ will happen. I bet ________.

My friend: Oh yeah, that’s actually what happens.

Me: image

did you just spoil a book for me? DID YOU JUST S P O I L A B O O K F O R M E??

So basically I knew what was gonna happen and I didn’t cry.

I’m not sure what else to say. It was brilliantly written, but I just couldn’t really relate/get into it. To me, being happy is really easy. I’ve decided to be happy so I am. When I read about people with screwed up lives I just can’t really relate. I’m sorry, but I didn’t really love this book.

Out of five faces…

Looking for Alaska gets…

*drumroll*

THREE!

Divergent by Veronica Roth

13335037

So I read this book a long time ago, like just when it came out. Then in English we had to write about a movie/tv show/book we wanted to describe to someone. And I had just reread Divergent. So I decided to write about it in English, and then I reread Insurgent (the second book in the series), and I decided to review Divergent. Keep in mind this review will also include Insurgent.

So my own synopsis:

In Divergent, the story follows a 16-year-old girl in future Chicago, Tris Prior. The world had been corrupted by evil. So they split the people into five factions to solve what they each thought was the cause of the evil. Some thought the problem was lack of intelligence, so they created a faction called Erudite for knowledge, or intelligence. Others thought the problem was dishonesty, They created the faction of Candor for honesty. Others thought the problem was selfishness, they created Abnegation for selflessness. Some thought the problem was cowardice, they created Dauntless for bravery and action. Lastly, some thought the problem was violence and hate, they created Amity for peace. Tris lives in Abnegation. As hard as she tries, she never seems to be selfless enough to fit in. They aren’t allowed to look in mirrors, or ask questions. They wear dull clothes as not to attract other people’s attention. Tris doesn’t feel like she belongs. At the age of 16, all must go through first an aptitude test to see which faction best fits them. Second they must go through a Choosing Ceremony to pick their faction. Tris takes the test and gets a result of three factions. Not only is that unheard of, but extremely dangerous because it means she is Divergent, but I can’t tell you why that’s bad cause that would spoil everything. So blah blah Tris ends up picking Dauntless. But the initiation is tough. Only 10 of those who picked Dauntless actually get to stay. Those are the top 10 in the ranks at the end of initiation. The other initiates who don’t make it through have to leave and become factionless, a fate no one wants. Starving, alone, being factionless is a scary thought. Now the stakes are even higher. Ranking is determined by not only fighting, but fear landscapes and being able to act despite fear or hesitation. Dauntless teaches you to be a fighter. That’s the basic idea. Anymore and I’m spoiling.

Okay wow that was a lot. So let’s talk about Tris.

Tris

Now Tris is one of my favorite heroines. She’s one heck of a fighter. Although it’s mentioned a lot that Tris is blonde, not ugly, not pretty either, short, kind of like a kid in body type. And I imagine things to the extreme, so it was kind of difficult to imagine Tris as a tough fighter when I’m imagining her as like a twelve year old. But obviously my mind exaggerates. So she’s not perfect, and that’s what I love. She isn’t pretty, she isn’t beautiful. How often do you see that in books? In almost all of my favorite books the girl is this gorgeous, perfect female specimen. That makes other girls look at themselves and think well this sucks. I’m not perfect. I’ll never be the hero.

BUT NO, no need for that with Tris. Tris isn’t beautiful, and why the heck should you need to be to kick butt? EXACTLY, YOU DON’T NEED TO BE. So I love how Veronica Roth can be real with us. In fact most of the characters have insecurities and stuff and it was just so real and lajskdagjfd;kljag.

Okay now can we talk about what I mainly made this review for please I’ve been dying over I mean it’s just

FOUR

^ME AFTER READING ABOUT TOBIAS. I don’t think a more accurate gif was ever shown for a more accurate emotion I just can’t I mean it’s Four I mean help. My grammar teacher would have a heart attack if she read that. I mean seriously: “I just can’t I mean it’s four I mean help” Wow.

SO FOUR:

He’s got these amazing blue eyes. And dark dark hair. And muscles cause he’s a trainer for the initiates. AND HE’S GOT THIS PERFECT AIM WITH KNIVES AND GUNS AND STUFF. AND AND HE’S JUST HE’S JUST LIKE ATHLETIC AND MYSTERIOUS AND HELP. And he’s brave and strong and he’s dark and not and he’s wounded and he’s just so great. *sigh*

Some of you may be confused why his name is Four but I GUESS YOU’RE JUST GONNA HAVE TO READ TO FIND OUT.

Here’s the movie version of Four:

I KNOW I KNOW HE DOESN’T HAVE BLUE EYES BUT IT’LL BE OKAY.

So, some movie stills.

AHH IS THAT WILL

AND CHRISTINA??

HELPPPP

OKAY OKAY.

Those are two of her friends. I hadn’t seen that picture until now but LASJKGBJ;LJRSDFAG

I think that’s a part of Tris’ fear simulation.

THIS KNIFE SCENE IT’S SOOO INTENSE IT’S THE BEST OKAY.

TRIS AND HER BROTHER.

THEY’RE SOULMATES CAN YOU FEEL IT.

SO BASICALLY THIS MOVIE LOOKS LIKE IT’S GOING TO BE SO AMAZING AND I’M JUST SO EXCITED.

Okay anyways. So Divergent and Insurgent are just amazing books. They made me feel everything on the feeling spectrum if that’s even a thing. One second I was crying slash throwing my book at the wall, the next I was jumping up and down screaming, scaring the crap out of my mom. These books are just so amazing and I ajsldkghdlkj;

The storyline, the characters. Everything was so thought out and real. It was just so substantial AND REAL EVEN THOUGH I ALREADY SAID THAT. Tris was an amazing main character. Four of course was perfection even though he wasn’t because nobody’s perfect (but he’s pretty close if you ask me). I’ve obviously read a lot of books in my short life, and these are definitely in my top five list of favorites. I could never pick ONE favorite (Harry Potter), like NEVER, (still Harry Potter), but this series is so close to that top spot. I absolutely adore this series and give it out of five faces…

*drumroll*

FIVE!

Percy Jackson: Sea of Monsters Movie Review

Percy Jackson: Sea of Monsters book written by Rick Riordan

Book synopsis:

The heroic son of Poseidon makes an action-packed comeback in the second must-read installment of Rick Riordan’s amazing young readers series. Starring Percy Jackson, a “half blood” whose mother is human and whose father is the God of the Sea, Riordan’s series combines cliffhanger adventure and Greek mythology lessons that results in true page-turners that get better with each installment. In this episode, The Sea of Monsters, Percy sets out to retrieve the Golden Fleece before his summer camp is destroyed, surpassing the first book’s drama and setting the stage for more thrills to come

That’s a pretty lame synopsis but you get it oh well.

So my reviews on…

MOVIE ADAPTATION OF…

PLOT

TERRIBLE. YOU COULD NOT MESS IT UP MORE. IT WAS IF SOMEONE SAID “Hey there’s this kid Percy Jackson he’s the Son of Poseidon he has two friends and they have mythological adventures write a story and make the movie of it don’t even look at the book.”

I’m going to make a list of everything I can think of that they screwed up.

PERCY WAS SEVENTEEN.

S E V E N T E E N.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.

THE PROPHECY IS RUINED.

There’s a prophecy and it says the first child of Zeus, Poseidon, or Hades to reach 16 will either save Olympus or destroy it.

THEY’VE ALREADY PASSED 16.

They made the prophecy the first child to reach 20.

twenty

twenty

twenty

DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT THAT MEANS

It means, no one who watches the movies will grow up with them. IT MEANS, Annabeth and Percy won’t have had a crush on each other since age 12.  It means, they won’t have this unbreakable bond from growing up together and going through so many things together. It means, I won’t feel connected to Percy, you won’t feel connected to Percy. no one will.

(OH MY GOD LOOK AT THIS GIF IT’S BREAKING MY HEART WHEN HOT GUYS CRY IT TEARS ME APART LOOK AWWW POOR DEAN)

So anyways help I’m so annoying.

So anyways…

So the twenty thing killed me.

When they said that in the theater my friend and I yelled “WHAT?? TWENTY? ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME???”

And everyone looked at us. I almost threw my shoe at the screen but I remembered I was in the top row so that wouldn’t work.

Moving on…the characters they well, they sucked. SUCKED.

Yes Logan Lerman is hot and he’s adorable but the way they portrayed Percy was terrible. Percy is SMART. Percy is reliable, Percy is the hero. Not in the movie. In the movie Percy was timid and self insecure. There were scenes when he was fighting on a boat. May I remind you he is the SON OF POSEIDON. He waited till he almost died then he used the water. And everyone was like “Oh no!” or “What a good idea Percy!”

IT’S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE A RARE OCCURRENCE OK PERCY YOU ARE A FULL-TIME DEMIGOD SO USE YOUR DEMIGOD SKILLS OK.

It killed me! I was yelling half the movie “USE THE WATER IDIOT” “YOU NOOB USE THE DAMN WATER”

He was stupid and he didn’t know how to use his own skills. It was terrible! In the book he’s this amazing smart talented Son of Poseidon! Like one part of the movie there was a boat far away in the sea they wanted to get on. Percy: “How are we gonna get to that?”

Percy it’s time to stop being an idiot and use that thing called a brain. MAYBE USE YOUR WATER POWER STUFF AND LIKE IDK GLIDE MAJESTICALLY ACROSS THE DEEP BLUE SEA INSTEAD OF BEING SUCH A NOOB.

And Annabeth…she was ok. I mean she was so pretty. But she was way taller than Percy and looked way older and idk since they’re supposed to be a couple not ok. I mean they aren’t a couple yet but they’re supposed to have crushes on each other. Never once was that hinted. There wasn’t even like an intense bond of affection and Annabeth actually helps the situation like once the whole movie. You’re the daughter of the Goddess of Wisdom come on you could’ve helped everything but nope.

Grover? He was supposed to be looking for Pan, the Nature God. Then he’s supposed to be kidnapped then to survive he’s supposed to pretend to be some giant cyclopes’ fiance. It sounds weird but hey it works in the book. So nope. Not one mention of Pan. In fact, in the books Grover sort of grows apart from Percy and Annabeth because he searches for Pan and isn’t even a huge character anymore. It ends up being just Percabeth. WHICH IS COOL WITH ME SINCE I SHIP THEM. Pan is supposed to be a big character.

Clarisse?

image

Don’t wanna go there but I have to go there because it was terrible.

SHE’S SUPPOSED TO BE BIG AND UGLY

Nope and nope

SHE’S SUPPOSED TO BE MEAN LIKE REALLY MEAN

Nope

EVERYONE’S SUPPOSED TO HATE HER

Nope.

They’re friends at the end, she’s pretty, she shows some niceness. BUT NOPE NOT EVEN.

YOU KNOW PERCY IS SUPPOSED TO LIKE HATE HER DAD THEY’RE SUPPOSED TO HAVE FOUGHT IN THE FIRST BOOK. DID I MENTION THAT PERCY WON A FIGHT WITH THE WAR GOD IN THE FIRST BOOK, IF HE CAN DO THAT HE CAN USE THE WATER TO REACH A DAMN BOAT.

*calming breaths*

So they screwed her up so badly nope

Mr. D

Yeah sure he kept getting Percy’s name wrong which he’s supposed to do but he’s also supposed to hate Percy and like kids in general. In this movie he was nice. NOPE

Luke. He’s actually portrayed well but he dies at the end of this movie.

he dies at the end of this movie.

LUKE IS A BIG CHARACTER

LUKE IS SUPPOSED TO LIVE. HE IS SUPPOSED TO. LIVE. HE CANNOT DIE. HE CAN’T.

Kronos also rose for a bit in this movie.

WHATTTTTTT KRONOS DOESN’T COME TILL LIKE THE FOURTH BOOK AND IT BUILDS UP TO THAT I JUST CAN’T I CANNOT.

I’m so mad. IT HURTS.

I could go on forever but I think you get it…

Basically it was the worst adaptation of a book to a movie I have ever seen. WAIT NO, actually, it’s second only to it’s predecessor (can I even use that word in this context?) Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief. It ruined so much. It added random scenes and took away scenes…it was terrible. TERRIBLE. I suppose I would’ve liked it if I hadn’t read the book but NEVERRRR. The book? AMAZING. The movie? NOPE.

So two gifs to sum up this movie:

image

image

 

The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones Movie Review

Hi guys! Sorry I haven’t posted in so long! First I had band camp then my school registration came and I’ve been so busy but I will let this go on no longer. I have to post something it’s killing me. So this is actually my review of City of Bones, a book I LOVE with all my heart, that has been turned into a movie.

I’M FANGIRLING ALREADY BY THINKING ABOUT IT.

OK SO IF YOU DON’T KNOW THE SYNOPSIS I’LL GIVE YOU THE ONE TO THE BOOK.

When fifteen-year-old Clary Fray heads out to the Pandemonium Club in New York City, she hardly expects to witness a murder — much less a murder committed by three teenagers covered with strange tattoos and brandishing bizarre weapons. Then the body disappears into thin air. It’s hard to call the police when the murderers are invisible to everyone else and when there is nothing — not even a smear of blood — to show that a boy has died. Or was he a boy?

This is Clary’s first meeting with the Shadowhunters, warriors dedicated to ridding the earth of demons. It’s also her first encounter with Jace, a Shadowhunter who looks a little like an angel and acts a lot like a jerk. Within twenty-four hours Clary is pulled into Jace’s world with a vengeance, when her mother disappears and Clary herself is attacked by a demon. But why would demons be interested in ordinary mundanes like Clary and her mother? And how did Clary suddenly get the Sight? The Shadowhunters would like to know. . .

Yeah so you understand what the story is about…so let’s examine parts crucial to a story and their adaptation.

MOVIE ADAPTATION OF…

PLOT

The plot was basically the same, and the main changes were the fact that events were switched in order. But I was looking forward to a certain scene and sure enough the scene existed. There was not much adding of scenes or taking away. Although the ending became a little complicated and there were little things added in.  But I honestly have no complaints about the movie adaptation of the plot.

CHARACTERS

Clary? Perfect.

Jace? Pretty close to perfect. Jace is supposed to be gorgeous who girls fall in love with at the sight of. He was hot but not drop dead gorgeous and wouldn’t really turn my head. What made him hot was his expressions and jokes and how he fought. ALTHOUGH the Jace in the book is more a jerk and conceited. But they got his jokes right. And he did know he was hot. AND HE WAS BRITISH SO THAT ALWAYS HELPS.

Alec? Pretty good, although he’s kind of more attractive than Jace which isn’t supposed to happen but because I love Jace more in the books I like Jace more still in the movies.

Isabelle? Not drop dead gorgeous either, though she’s supposed to be. She’s also supposed to be kind of bratty and mean with an attitude, but she was sort of nice in the movie.

Simon? PERFECT.

Clary’s mother? Pretty perfect, she’s not a favorite character or anything so I don’t care too much

Magnus? PERFECT.

Luke? PERFECT.

Valentine? Pretty perfect also.

Silent Brothers? TERRIFYING, I WAS ABOUT TO SOB IN THE THEATER. But that’s what they should be.

So those are the main characters and all of them got good reviews, in fact a lot were perfect.

SETTING

This literally took the book right out of my mind and put it in a movie. The apartment looked EXACTLY like what I imagined as did the Institute. It was perfect.

SCRIPT

THEY SAID MY FAVORITE QUOTES I WAS DYING OF JOY.

“Unfortunately, my one true love remains myself.” -Jace

“Well then that way you don’t have to suffer rejection” -Clary

“Not necessarily. I turn myself down occasionally, just to keep it interesting.” -Jace

Although that wasn’t a conversation with Clary but I DON’T CARE. It’s better that way. They other times also quoted directly from the book. MY FAVORITE THING EVER.

OVERALL FEELING

It was perfect. I felt the same. Not much more to say.

ACTING

A+ FOR ACTING EVERYONE.

HOPE FOR NEXT MOVIE

I am VERY confident that this series will thrive as movies.

Overall I loved the movie, which I actually dressed up for. Nerd? I think so. I was dressed as a Shadowhunter and I drew runes and everything yes I have problems but that’s ok. I LOVED THE MOVIE SO MUCH AND JUST LOOK

LOOK LOOOK LOOOOOOK

LOOK AT HOW HE’S LOOKING AT HER HELPPPP

LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOK

LOOOOOOK JUST LOOK

LOOK AT THIS ONE LOOK

just look at how he looks at her look

SO I COULD POST SO MANY OF THESE I COULD POST THE SAME ONE A MILLION TIMES BUT YOU’RE NOT HERE FOR GIFS.

So a few gifs to sum up this movie

image

image

image

FUNNY HOW I JUST SAID YOU’RE NOT HERE FOR GIFS THEN I ENDED THIS BY SHOWING YOU ALL THOSE GIFS. Ok I’m done.

Sometimes It Happens by Lauren Barnholdt

Sometimes It Happens

This novel opens on the first day of Hannah’s senior year, but the story really starts on the last day of her junior year. That’s when Hannah not only gets dumped by her boyfriend, Ryan, but she also finds out her best friend, Ava, is going to be gone for the entire summer. But Ava’s boyfriend, Noah, is definitely around–and such a good guy that he snags Hannah a job at the diner where he works. Hannah and Noah move from coworkers, to friends….and one night, to something more.

Now it’s back to school, where Hannah will see Ryan, Ava, and Noah all in one place. Over the course of the day secrets and betrayals are revealed, and alliances are broken and reformed. In the end, Hannah will learn a lot about love, friendship…and herself.

Wow, that synopsis just spoiled the entire book. Why would you even.

The only thing I didn’t know when I read this book was what Hannah’s big mistake was, because I didn’t read this particular synopsis. I read a different one on the side of the book cover. Now if you’re wondering why I didn’t just give you that one, it’s cause it’s not very hard to figure out. The only reason I didn’t guess her big mistake on the first page of the book is I refuse to believe someone would be that stupid.

But if you haven’t figured out what-WAIT A SECOND.

WAIT,

DO YOU SEE THAT? TELL ME YOU SEE THAT. Read the synopsis and tell me you see it says “Hannah not only gets dumped by her boyfriend, Ryan” CAUSE I SEE IT. Who’s Ryan? There is no one named Ryan in this entire book. No single Ryan in all of the 312 pages in this book. HER EX-BOYFRIEND IS NAMED SEBASTIAN. I even went back to my book and read that page! I SWEAR.

IT SAID

“that I’m going to see Sebastian,”

See! It’s Sebastian, not Ryan! Wow, they can’t even get the synopsis right. First they spoil the entire novel, then they mess up a crucial character’s name.

But back to what I was saying..if you haven’t figured out what Hannah did, just take a little look at that synopsis up there.

Hannah and Noah move from coworkers, to friends….and one night, to something more.”

If you haven’t figured out what that “one night, to something more” means, then you’re probably either like 12 years old or well I don’t know…you’re not the brightest star in the sky. Not to offend anyone…I have my moments too. So point is, they had sex. Now let’s take a look at the title of this book. Sometimes It Happens.

I hate that title. It makes it seem ok to sleep with your best friend’s boyfriend. It makes it seem ok (if you’re the guy) to sleep with your girlfriend’s best friend. It makes it seem ok to cheat on your boyfriend or have sex with someone in a relationship.

Well it’s not. And you can ask anyone, and they will tell you it’s not ok. I don’t doubt they had feelings for each other, and yeah sure, you can’t really blame them for having feelings. And maybe they’re meant to end up together, but so what? Just break up with your girlfriend and then you two can get together. Just WAIT.

But besides the bad synopsis and the bad moral of this book, this book was…eh.

This book was basically the exact same as Lauren’s other book The Thing About the Truth. This book was the same outline with different characters and a different setting. The book went from one chapter of BEFORE WHAT HAPPENED and then to another chapter of AFTER WHAT HAPPENED AKA AFTER THE BIG MISTAKE.

The worst part about that setup is that when it finally FINALLY gets to the solution, and you finally have the whole back story, the end of the book (AKA the solving of the problem) lasts about two pages. It usually leaves on a Well I hope it’ll get better, all I know is I have to try. And the reader is left there thinking:WAIT WHAT HAPPENED, IS EVERYTHING OK? WHAT’S GOING ONNNNN

So basically it’s a cliffhanger. Now MOST readers would be agitated and wish that all their questions but at the end of the novel…..

Reaction GIF: don't care, Morgan Freeman, The Shawshank Redemption

Reaction GIF: don't know, Steve Martin

And…and…NOPE…I don’t care

I just lost any and all motivation to actually care what happened to the characters.

Hannah could have shape shifted into a potato and rolled into the sunset and

Reaction GIF: okay, don't care, not impressed, clapping, thumbs up, Conan O'Brien, Conan

Nope.

I will not be reading this author anymore. She lost me. Awkward…Oh well I’m sure SOMEONE somewhere likes these books…it may take years of searching, but THEY’RE OUT THERE. I know it.

I don’t know what else to say. I didn’t like this book. Bad moral of the story. Not really great writing. The most annoying set up ever. And well you get the point. So my message to Lauren Barnholdt is:

 

SO, out of five stars, Sometimes It Happens gets…

*drumroll*

ONE!

Half-Blood by Jennifer L. Armentrout

Half-Blood (Covenant, #1)

The Hematoi descend from the unions of gods and mortals, and the children of two Hematoi pure bloods have godlike powers. Children of Hematoi and mortals–well, not so much. Half-bloods only have two options: become trained Sentinels who hunt and kill daimons or become servants in the homes of the pures. Seventeen-year-old Alexandria would rather risk her life fighting than waste it scrubbing toilets, but she may end up slumming it anyway. There are several rules that students at the Covenant must follow. Alex has problems with them all, but especially rule #1:Relationships between pures and halfs are forbidden. Unfortunately, she’s crushing hard on the totally hot pure-blood Aiden. But falling for Aiden isn’t her biggest problem–staying alive long enough to graduate the Covenant and become a Sentinel is. If she fails in her duty, she faces a future worse than death or slavery: being turned into a daimon, and being hunted by Aiden. And that would kind of suck.

Alright, so where to begin?

Ok I literally don’t know where to begin.

Let’s begin with the beginning, since that’s how beginnings usually begin.

What am I even doing.

OK let’s talk about Alex!

Alex

Alex was on the border of being way too unrealistically courageous and spontaneous. Every chance she got, she fought with anyone and everyone. She would never shut up, or behave. A little sarcasm and spirit is endearing of a main character, but a lot is annoying. Alex almost crossed the line and became annoying. Anymore, and she would’ve been such a predictable, non-original character. Jennifer pulled it off, but a few times I was wincing, and that was a few too many times, honestly. But I still liked her. A lot of things she said made me laugh, and once I actually laughed out loud, which is a big deal when we’re talking about a book. My emotions from a book usually come out in a squeak or inhuman squeal, not usually a normal human reaction.

Sometimes I worry I tell you guys too much.

Anyways, she was funny. I felt a special connection with her that makes me sad since she doesn’t exist. But I was ALWAYS on her side, and she didn’t really piss me off too much.

Aiden

AIDEN

Imagine this scenario:

Aiden: Why did the chicken cross the road?

Me: *giggle* Hahahahahahahaha, why? *giggle* Hehehehehe

Aiden: Potato

Me: HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH OH AIDEN, YOU’RE SO FUNNY HAHAHAHHAHAHAHA

image

Not that he would EVER say something as lame as that, but do you get my point? I’d turn into those annoying giggly girls, because it’s Aiden. And he doesn’t exist. I need to stop saying that I really do. So anyways. Aiden has these big gray eyes that are expressive and always show his emotions. They can be a calm storm or a ranging ocean of emotion. See what I did there? I rhymed. And long/short (I think the correct term would be medium) length brown hair that is wavy and hot and help.

H e l p m e

Just imagine. And he’s tall. And he is obviously perfectly muscled.

And he doesn’t exist.

WELL AREN’T YOU JUST A RAY OF SUNSHINE NICOLE

Oh God, I’m talking to myself. AIDEN THIS IS WHAT YOU DO TO ME.

Aiden is also chivalrous which of course is freaking amazing, but not as amazing as when he becomes mischievous. Just imagine a hot chivalrous guy who is always the perfect gentleman and then BAM he like smirks and gets a mischievous look in his eyes and help me again.

THERE I GO.

dead

Alex you better treat this man RIGHT. Or I will…I will…do nothing. Because you don’t exist.

SHUT UP NICOLE.

Heck, I should make another name for myself so I can do the whole Gollum/Smeagol thing too.

Why am I even.

Moving on.

This story had the perfect (P E R F E C T) balance of Greek Mythology, romance, adventure, and emotional trauma. I mean emotional trauma like I now have emotional trauma probably cause you know how like when someone’s addicted to something? And then you like all of a sudden stop giving them that substance or whatever? And they go into shock and sometimes die. THAT IS HOW I AM RIGHT NOW CAUSE I HAVE TO WAIT FOR THE LAST BOOK OF THIS SERIES.

WHY DON’T YOU JUST GOUGE MY EYES OUT WITH A SPOON IT’D BE SO MUCH EASIER.

But anyways…nowadays I can’t focus on action or adventure anymore in most books cause the romance takes up the WHOLE story. Now I mean, yes there’s a PERFECT amount of romance in this book, leaving me swooning on my floor, but there isn’t too much. There’s plenty, but it’s still an amount where I’m focused on the whole story of it. I’m interested, I NEED to know what happens. Who dies, who lives, who becomes the hero all that stuff blah blah blah

This book leaves me on the edge of my chair. I want to cry all the time because the emotions are overwhelming and I’m suffering from withdrawal cause I need the last book and I need closure because I am an emotional wreck.

Point is, I love love LOVE this series,

and so out of five faces,

I give this book/series…

*drumroll*

FIVE!

The Impact of You by Kendall Ryan

The Impact of You

Needing an escape from her past, Avery chooses a college where no one knows her. Keeping a low profile was the plan, falling for the intense frat boy, Jase wasn’t. Yet she can’t deny how alive she feels when he’s near. Even as common sense implores her to stay away, her body begs her to get closer.

Jase, numb from his own family drama, has grown bored with weekends fueled by nameless girls and countless bottles when he meets Avery. Helping her cope with her past is better than dealing with the bullshit his own life’s served up. Determined to drive away the painful secret she’s guarding, he appoints himself her life coach, and challenges her to new experiences. Getting close to her and being the one to make her smile are simply perks of the job.

But when Avery’s past boldly saunters in, refusing to be forgotten, can Jase live with the truth about the girl he’s fallen for?

(CAUTION: THIS BOOK HAS MATURE SEXUAL THEMES SO IF YOU’RE YOUNG DON’T READ THIS OK THANKS)

This seems so intense, doesn’t it? Avery’s past must be something truly deep. Doesn’t it seem like they go on a wonderful journey all about love and finding yourself? Sounds so intense… *sigh*

Well it’s not.

This book should be named “Jase and Avery’s sex adventure: Avery Learns to Open Up! (Literally)” If it was named that, I would’ve been saved a couple hours of my life. I could’ve been having fun with my family. But NO, I wasted my time. This book is a sorry excuse for a book. It was basically an excuse  for Kendall Ryan to write about her sexual fantasies. The details in this book were a bit much. If a friend told me these detailed adventures and told me she went on them with her boyfriend. Not only would I really REALLY not want to know that, but…

 SINCE WORDPRESS IS SUCKY RIGHT NOW AND MY REVIEW CRASHES IF I PUT PICTURES FOR SOME REASON, JUST IMAGINE A PICTURE OF ME DUMPING HOLY WATER ON MY FRIEND. THANKS.

 

Some may say I’m overreacting, and fine, if that’s you go ahead and read the book. But these are my opinions and my blog. And even if this does happen all the time doesn’t mean I want to READ about it.

I bet Jase has herpes or something and now Avery does too.

Here’s a summary of the book: Jase and Avery meet. Jase is confused because even though he does want to get in Avery’s pants, she isn’t the normal kind of girl he has sex with. Avery’s shy towards Jase, but her hormones really aren’t. Jase has to keep himself from getting sexually excited every time he sees Avery. Avery blushes. Jase smirks. Avery is hiding from her past, behind a dumpster. Avery and Jase sign up for the same human sexuality course. Jase decides to be Avery’s life coach (AKA sex coach). Over time, Avery  learns to open up to Jase (both literally and emotionally). They start getting closer to each other and more clothing gets shed at every meeting. Then Avery’s past comes swooping in. And it turns out she has a CAUTION SPOILER pornographic past CAUTION SPOILER. Yes, that’s right folks! Avery took CAUTION SPOILER pornographic pictures with her ex-boyfriend because yes, she’s just that smart! CAUTION SPOILER. So Jase does the normal human thing and freaks, but then he gets over it and they finally have sex after another fight.

These kind of books are so shallow, and so lame, that the whole story ends up being: sex, fighting, sex, more fighting, more fighting, sex, and more sex. That’s it. And knowing this, the author tries to add a deep element to the story:  Avery is adopted blah blah and she wants to meet her birth mom blah blah blah. This little story takes up about two pages of the whole book. And then Jase’s mom tried to commit suicide before, so he checks up on her. That story takes up about 3 pages. The stories are so obviously only there so the author can vouch for the fact that the story is deep. That there’s another element that makes this book something special and different. Well it didn’t work. It didn’t fool me, nope. The book still sucked.

This book was just so bad all around. The writing was nothing special. The morality was nonexistent. The book was shallow, and it was all lust. I love a good romance just as much as anyone, but not a lust story. I don’t want to read about “Avery’s First Orgasm.” Yes, yes, that was actually a part in the story. I skipped over quite a bit of the book looking for the deep stuff. I wanted to find something good in the book, I came up with nothing. I don’t recommend this book to anyone. But if we’re talking ages, do NOT read this book if you’re in middle school. Don’t even think about it. I’m more mature for my age group of 15, and even then I wish I didn’t read it. I’m mature enough to handle it, and my innocence was already gone, but I don’t need to rub it in. I didn’t like this book, it sucked. Anyone MATURE, and above my age could read this, but they still shouldn’t. I may know all the nasty things of the world, but I don’t need to read about them. And if you think I’m annoyingly overreacting and you like sexually stuff, go ahead. Read it, I don’t care. But even if you enjoy yourself, you will get absolutely nothing of worth from this book. This book doesn’t even carry anything emotionally satisfying. Read it if you want, but I don’t recommend it. Even if you like the sexual stuff, you still might not like the rest of the book, since it just sucks.

So out of five faces, I give this book…

*drumroll*

ZERO!

Well, this is um…awkward

(THERE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A GIF FOR THAT BUT I GIVE UP CAUSE WORDPRESS IS NOT MY FRIEND RIGHT NOW)